I never thought that things could get worst...
Just when I'm starting to think that my misfortunes is coming to an end... (sigh..)
September 12, 2009
Saturday 3:45pm I decided to go at my girlfriend's house.. I took a bus ride (Balibago to Lawton).. On the way i was in a happy mood because we are going to see each other again.. I'd like to surprise her so I tried to tell her that I'm not coming but I was so excited and could not help myself to text her that I was on my way... It took me 2 hours just to get to the LRT station, there was a heavy traffic due to the construction of the roads.. After leaving the bus, i decided to give my self a snack, i haven't eaten lunch yet. i bought a shawarma with cheese and gave myself some time to enjoy the food.. after the snack I puffed a cigar then ride the LRT... I texted my girlfriend " Dito na ako sa LRT" then i hid my phone, I always hid my phone to my left pocket but for an unknown reason i slid it to my right pocket,it was passed 6:00pm...
It was raining that afternoon the streets of Baclaran was flooded passer by's are walking side by side in the dry part of the street.. suddenly a boy ask me if I want to buy his plastic bag.. I don't need one so I didn't bought any but he still insisted for me to buy.. he placed the big plastic bag near my face and all i can see is his eyes, i was walking forward.. he was walking backward.... after a while i thought he lost interest of selling me his plastic bag then he passed through me... the moment he passed through me, I checked my right pocket and to my surprise my phone is missing (!(@$*%#!!!!). I looked back and the boy is gone. I ask one of the store owner "MAMA SAN TUMAKBO YUNG BATA!" he replied "Dun sa Likod" I run as fast as I could and i saw a glimpse of the thief. He ran through the alleys ways of Baclaran..
Angered and Frustrated I didn't think of the dangers that is lurking behind those unfamiliar dark alleys. I wanted to get my phone so badly because my father gave that to me.. its a part of my life... It is so important to me... Its like it is my bestfriend.... (@!#@#%#!!!)
I saw the thief running in a straight road.. I thought that this is my chance to catch the thief.. but as he passed through some men, drinking liquor. They stood up.. so I stopped running.. Gazing my eyes to the men in the dark alley... I felt danger... There's nothing I could do but to look at thief as he vanishes through the streets.... I cant move my nerves are tingling, the clutches of my grip tightens... I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself down... If i continue pursuing I have to get through the drunk men first and if I continue pursuing I might end up my life.. My life is not worth a cellphone... My calmness saved me from being dragged in a much more trouble... I turned around and start to walk away....
My PDA phone is one of the best thing that happened in my life.. it was a gift from my father.. it was our way of communication with my girlfriend.. I used it for my blog.. to text my friends.. for some research.. to take pictures of unforgettable happenings... and now its gone...
For the past few months I have been battered and shattered by misfortunes, physical and emotional problems, poverty, etc.... But I wont go back to my negative self again.. Its time for me to pick up the pieces of my shattered self.. Its time for me to start a new life... A life that will begin from the scratch.. A life that is driven by my will and my decisions.. A life that I can call "My life"
I miss the jolly person in me... And I have the feeling that he is coming back.. ^_^
"Do not Blame your Misfortunes to Anyone or Anything"
"But Instead, Accept Them and Accumulate all Possible Lesson That You can Learn"
Jen's Laptop Entry
14th day of September Year 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Reconcillation
Reconciliation (Something Positive)
After a hot chocolate and a snack I felt the urge to write...
Last month I'm confused and almost lost myself and the one I loved most due to the problems that I've encountered.. But a ray of hope has shimmered its way on me.
Saturday August 29, 2009
I told my girlfriend to come into our house to settle and fixed the argument that we had the other day... I realized that setting myself free wasn't really the thing that I needed I think time and space (call me an astronaut if you want) is all what I wanted and she gave me a day before I invited her to come in our home or rather I pushed her to give me a day before she come here.. It also came into my mind that in these kind of trials I should never let go of the one who cares about me.. I was blinded by the pain and misfortunes of my life that I became selfish and a monster... And for that.. I was sorry.... I'm really thankful that I can still continue my story with the one that I love and Im glad because a new shimmer of light has given me hope to still survive in this endless trials that has been ramming me emotionally and physically...
Finally something positive has happened after the consecutive negativity of life....
" Happiness and Sufferings for Those who Cling"
" Loneliness and Boredom for Those who let Go"
PDA Phone Word Mobile Entry
1:01am 2nd day of September year 2009
After a hot chocolate and a snack I felt the urge to write...
Last month I'm confused and almost lost myself and the one I loved most due to the problems that I've encountered.. But a ray of hope has shimmered its way on me.
Saturday August 29, 2009
I told my girlfriend to come into our house to settle and fixed the argument that we had the other day... I realized that setting myself free wasn't really the thing that I needed I think time and space (call me an astronaut if you want) is all what I wanted and she gave me a day before I invited her to come in our home or rather I pushed her to give me a day before she come here.. It also came into my mind that in these kind of trials I should never let go of the one who cares about me.. I was blinded by the pain and misfortunes of my life that I became selfish and a monster... And for that.. I was sorry.... I'm really thankful that I can still continue my story with the one that I love and Im glad because a new shimmer of light has given me hope to still survive in this endless trials that has been ramming me emotionally and physically...
Finally something positive has happened after the consecutive negativity of life....
" Happiness and Sufferings for Those who Cling"
" Loneliness and Boredom for Those who let Go"
PDA Phone Word Mobile Entry
1:01am 2nd day of September year 2009
Reaching The Limit
Reaching the Limit
It’s been a while....
Last Thursday (August 27) I broke up with my girlfriend (5 years relationship) due to some very deep and imprisoned emotions that has been triggered in our quarrel that night and my problems in life also played a big role in that situation..
We were arguing about a lot of things then just all a sudden she just blurted out...
"pagod na ako mahal... sobra"
She's tired of what is happening to our relationship she has her own reasons and I also made made mistakes in our relationship so I can't blame her if she is tired..
But I replied...
"Pano kung pagod na din ako?"
Frankly I'm surprised to myself because I'm not the type of guy who would say such things, its not so typical of me and not me.. Maybe because I'm too fed up of being pushed or maybe I have reached the limit of my patience..."
Never in my life have I felt so numb no not numb but stone-hearted.. I started not to care whether I hurt the feeling of the one I loved most.. I became selfish and threw all of my pain at her like a heartless monster..
"Sakal na sakal na ako sobra na"
"Na fafall out of love na ako sayo"
"Pwede ko na ba hingiin ang kalayaan ko?"
"Sorry for being honest"
These are the harsh words that I said to her... In some way I felt glad because I was able to express my feelings honestly.. I didn't let myself to get pushed again that's why I did what I said with dignity.. Tired of being hen-pecked and strangled by her selfishness, I felt that I don't have a room for myself anymore... So I decided to set myself free...
"Everything in this World has its Limit"
PDA Phone Word Mobile Entry
1:04am 1st day of September year 2009
It’s been a while....
Last Thursday (August 27) I broke up with my girlfriend (5 years relationship) due to some very deep and imprisoned emotions that has been triggered in our quarrel that night and my problems in life also played a big role in that situation..
We were arguing about a lot of things then just all a sudden she just blurted out...
"pagod na ako mahal... sobra"
She's tired of what is happening to our relationship she has her own reasons and I also made made mistakes in our relationship so I can't blame her if she is tired..
But I replied...
"Pano kung pagod na din ako?"
Frankly I'm surprised to myself because I'm not the type of guy who would say such things, its not so typical of me and not me.. Maybe because I'm too fed up of being pushed or maybe I have reached the limit of my patience..."
Never in my life have I felt so numb no not numb but stone-hearted.. I started not to care whether I hurt the feeling of the one I loved most.. I became selfish and threw all of my pain at her like a heartless monster..
"Sakal na sakal na ako sobra na"
"Na fafall out of love na ako sayo"
"Pwede ko na ba hingiin ang kalayaan ko?"
"Sorry for being honest"
These are the harsh words that I said to her... In some way I felt glad because I was able to express my feelings honestly.. I didn't let myself to get pushed again that's why I did what I said with dignity.. Tired of being hen-pecked and strangled by her selfishness, I felt that I don't have a room for myself anymore... So I decided to set myself free...
"Everything in this World has its Limit"
PDA Phone Word Mobile Entry
1:04am 1st day of September year 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Numbness
Numbness
3:10am 19th day of August Year 2009
Its been a while since my last entry but I can still feel that weird feeling last time. I thought it'll just vanish if I don't think about it. But now I still feel numb and I don't feel any enlightenment. I feel very eerie about this feeling I don't know if it’s good but my instincts tells me that it is bad. My mind is telling me that this feeling is negative and I should change it. I should not entertain this feeling any longer.. The more I get succumb to this feeling, the more that I feel that I don't care about my problems anymore... This numbness, it makes me not to think about my problems, it makes me accept that my problems is nothing and I should just let it disappear and I shouldn't worry and make a solution about it.. I thought it was great but it doesn't change the fact that I have a problem... I don't like this feeling anymore... I don't want to feel numb... I should find a way to deal with this but for now I don't know how.. But I’m sure that just by writing this blog I already had done something to get out of this slumber...
"Problems are like locked chest.. You'll have to find the right key to open it"
PDA Phone Word Mobile Entry
3:33am 19th day of August year 2009
3:10am 19th day of August Year 2009
Its been a while since my last entry but I can still feel that weird feeling last time. I thought it'll just vanish if I don't think about it. But now I still feel numb and I don't feel any enlightenment. I feel very eerie about this feeling I don't know if it’s good but my instincts tells me that it is bad. My mind is telling me that this feeling is negative and I should change it. I should not entertain this feeling any longer.. The more I get succumb to this feeling, the more that I feel that I don't care about my problems anymore... This numbness, it makes me not to think about my problems, it makes me accept that my problems is nothing and I should just let it disappear and I shouldn't worry and make a solution about it.. I thought it was great but it doesn't change the fact that I have a problem... I don't like this feeling anymore... I don't want to feel numb... I should find a way to deal with this but for now I don't know how.. But I’m sure that just by writing this blog I already had done something to get out of this slumber...
"Problems are like locked chest.. You'll have to find the right key to open it"
PDA Phone Word Mobile Entry
3:33am 19th day of August year 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Unknown Feeling
Unknown Feeling
1:01am 14th day of August Year 2009
After enjoying a cup of coffee and cigarette I went to my room and flattened my self to bed....
I can't really think of anything in particular to write so I'll just let my chubby thumb to type
whatever that will come into my mind....
Staring at the blinking cursor I can't seem to think of anything. Maybe my mind is relax now or im just tired. Five minutes have already passed, I still can't think of anything to say... This is odd. At this time of hour I always think of something... Something morbid or dark but now.. Nothing.. Hmmm I'm starting to get annoyed.. Why can't I think of anything?
Hmmmm am I really that hard to myself that I can't accept that I'am relaxed? I'm not used in this kind of silence.. I always think of my problems before I go to sleep.. Where did my problems go? Why can't I think of them right now? weird...
Maybe this is a new feeling for me.. This is the first time that I felt this... Im relaxed... Or maybe not? Is this numbness?? Ahhh shit I'm going to bed...
"No One Can Judge You Better than Yourself"
PDA Phone Word Mobile Entry
1:25am 14th day of August year 2009
1:01am 14th day of August Year 2009
After enjoying a cup of coffee and cigarette I went to my room and flattened my self to bed....
I can't really think of anything in particular to write so I'll just let my chubby thumb to type
whatever that will come into my mind....
Staring at the blinking cursor I can't seem to think of anything. Maybe my mind is relax now or im just tired. Five minutes have already passed, I still can't think of anything to say... This is odd. At this time of hour I always think of something... Something morbid or dark but now.. Nothing.. Hmmm I'm starting to get annoyed.. Why can't I think of anything?
Hmmmm am I really that hard to myself that I can't accept that I'am relaxed? I'm not used in this kind of silence.. I always think of my problems before I go to sleep.. Where did my problems go? Why can't I think of them right now? weird...
Maybe this is a new feeling for me.. This is the first time that I felt this... Im relaxed... Or maybe not? Is this numbness?? Ahhh shit I'm going to bed...
"No One Can Judge You Better than Yourself"
PDA Phone Word Mobile Entry
1:25am 14th day of August year 2009
A Sudden Realization
A Sudden Realization
2:14pm 13th day of August year 2009
Unwell and feeling sick a sudden realization has struck my mind... so I grabbed my phone and started typing...
Now I think I know what is missing in my life... "A self decision" I've been living my life like a leaf on the river.. Charting through the waters wherever direction it flows.. I've been living my life not making any decisions on my own.. Sadly.. I can't decide for myself.. I think this is the reason why I hurt myself... To tell myself that I can make my own decisions... Unhealthy but made me realize that I do can make decision for myself...
I've been living now for twenty two years.. And I think this is one of the important things that I've decided to do because for me, this is the most serious and mature... (But I really think that it is immature to hurt yourself but I’ll leave this thought for another entry hehe)
I've learned a lot from that experience of mine.. And for the record I'm not a suicidal person... I did it for the experience and to tell myself that I’m not a child anymore... That experience was my wakeup call... It is the sign for me to stand up at my own two feet.. To become a man.. And to become a better person...
I won't ever regret that I did what I did.. Because now at this very moment I feel that I’m into something good... I feel a bit matured..
"A Tree will never be Strong until it Endures the Wrath of Nature"
PDA Phone Word Mobile Entry
2:45pm 13th day of August year 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
The Art of Pain
The Art of Pain
6th day of August year 2009.. This day will be remembered...
" A thing will be important when you know that it doesn't last forever "
6th day of August year 2009.. This day will be remembered...
It was 2am in the morning, I was in my room lights turned off and the electric fan is staring straight in my face... Drowned by the sorrowful thoughts in my life.. I suddenly felt the urge to hurt myself.... It came to my mind that a friend of mine once told me that inflicting physical pain is one way of escaping the emotional pain.... But I wasn't really in an emotional pain... I don't know what came in to my mind.. Maybe I just want to experience it too... But then again... I might be stressed emotionally... The next thing I know I was annoyed but laughing because I could not find any cutter in our house.. I was laughing because I found out that there was no cutter in our house, I mean we are students and we have tools but we don't have a cutter hahaha...
Thirty minutes has passed by but still no cutter... When I got back to my bed I saw a yellow push pin in my tool box... Due to my aroused thought of what would it feel to hurt myself I grab the push pin and stabbed it in my left wrist... To my surprise it didn't even penetrated my skin.. Once, then twice and thrice.. No effect... Then I got the idea of just scratching it to my wrist... So I pushed the pin in my wrist then I let it ripped... Then again and again... Sadly I didn't had much effect on my skin... So I stopped...
Insulted,because I still didn't feel the physical pain, I sat on my bed grabbed a cigar and puffed it... When I was about to put the cigar off.. I had the idea to put the cigar's off to my wrist... And so I did... Three cigarette burns on my left wrist.... Finally the physical pain.... Pain is good.... Call me an addict or whatever but sensation felt really good... The adrenaline rush of the pain and the sensation is overwhelming that I did it three times... The cigar's lights were off a sudden silence and satisfaction filled the room... I was happy... ^_^
After that incident I've learned many realization about myself and life itself.. And I promised not to do that again...
" A thing will be important when you know that it doesn't last forever "
PDA Phone Word Mobile Entry
3:26 am 12th day of August year 2009
3:26 am 12th day of August year 2009
Who Am I?
Who Am I
Who is Noel Adonis Montesa? Recently this is the question that is always in my mind... And now I'm going to try to answer this.... 2:22am 12th day of August year 2009.....
The cursor blinks relentlessly before I can type a word... Who am I really? Mr. Loner.. The Sweet guy.. The Smart... The Happy Guy... The Emotional One.. Mr.Friendly.... The Snobbish Guy... The Adviser... The Serious One... The Insensitive... The insensitive... The Guy who don't give a damn... The Angel... The Devil.... The Demon.... These are the traits or the personality that is encapsulated in my soul.... Some might say that I have a MPD (Multi Personality Disorder) but I think I don't... I'am the guy who knows when and where to use these personalities of mine in the right place and in the right time... But even though I know all of these traits of mine It still seems to me that even I do not know thyself... Is it because I don't really know who am I? Something is still missing.... But for now I know that I'am still searching and learning about myself through experience, physically and emotionally and for sure I still cannot answer who am I right now.. But im hoping someday and somehow I will know my self much better.... For now this is the best quote that will describe me...
" I'am an open book.. Love me or hate me... (I don't give a damn) this is the real me.. And no one can tell me what to do.. Because this... This is my story"...
PDA Phone Word Mobile Entry
2:47am 12th day of August year 2009
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