Numbness

Numbness

3:10am 19th day of August Year 2009

Its been a while since my last entry but I can still feel that weird feeling last time. I thought it'll just vanish if I don't think about it. But now I still feel numb and I don't feel any enlightenment. I feel very eerie about this feeling I don't know if it’s good but my instincts tells me that it is bad. My mind is telling me that this feeling is negative and I should change it. I should not entertain this feeling any longer.. The more I get succumb to this feeling, the more that I feel that I don't care about my problems anymore... This numbness, it makes me not to think about my problems, it makes me accept that my problems is nothing and I should just let it disappear and I shouldn't worry and make a solution about it.. I thought it was great but it doesn't change the fact that I have a problem... I don't like this feeling anymore... I don't want to feel numb... I should find a way to deal with this but for now I don't know how.. But I’m sure that just by writing this blog I already had done something to get out of this slumber...



"Problems are like locked chest.. You'll have to find the right key to open it"


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3:33am 19th day of August year 2009

Unknown Feeling

Unknown Feeling


1:01am 14th day of August Year 2009


After enjoying a cup of coffee and cigarette I went to my room and flattened my self to bed....


I can't really think of anything in particular to write so I'll just let my chubby thumb to type
whatever that will come into my mind....


Staring at the blinking cursor I can't seem to think of anything. Maybe my mind is relax now or im just tired. Five minutes have already passed, I still can't think of anything to say... This is odd. At this time of hour I always think of something... Something morbid or dark but now.. Nothing.. Hmmm I'm starting to get annoyed.. Why can't I think of anything?


Hmmmm am I really that hard to myself that I can't accept that I'am relaxed? I'm not used in this kind of silence.. I always think of my problems before I go to sleep.. Where did my problems go? Why can't I think of them right now? weird...


Maybe this is a new feeling for me.. This is the first time that I felt this... Im relaxed... Or maybe not? Is this numbness?? Ahhh shit I'm going to bed...


"No One Can Judge You Better than Yourself"


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1:25am 14th day of August year 2009

A Sudden Realization

A Sudden Realization

2:14pm 13th day of August year 2009

Unwell and feeling sick a sudden realization has struck my mind... so I grabbed my phone and started typing...

Now I think I know what is missing in my life... "A self decision" I've been living my life like a leaf on the river.. Charting through the waters wherever direction it flows.. I've been living my life not making any decisions on my own.. Sadly.. I can't decide for myself.. I think this is the reason why I hurt myself... To tell myself that I can make my own decisions... Unhealthy but made me realize that I do can make decision for myself...

I've been living now for twenty two years.. And I think this is one of the important things that I've decided to do because for me, this is the most serious and mature... (But I really think that it is immature to hurt yourself but I’ll leave this thought for another entry hehe)

I've learned a lot from that experience of mine.. And for the record I'm not a suicidal person... I did it for the experience and to tell myself that I’m not a child anymore... That experience was my wakeup call... It is the sign for me to stand up at my own two feet.. To become a man.. And to become a better person...

I won't ever regret that I did what I did.. Because now at this very moment I feel that I’m into something good... I feel a bit matured..

"A Tree will never be Strong until it Endures the Wrath of Nature"

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2:45pm 13th day of August year 2009

The Art of Pain

The Art of Pain


6th day of August year 2009.. This day will be remembered...

It was 2am in the morning, I was in my room lights turned off and the electric fan is staring straight in my face... Drowned by the sorrowful thoughts in my life.. I suddenly felt the urge to hurt myself.... It came to my mind that a friend of mine once told me that inflicting physical pain is one way of escaping the emotional pain.... But I wasn't really in an emotional pain... I don't know what came in to my mind.. Maybe I just want to experience it too... But then again... I might be stressed emotionally... The next thing I know I was annoyed but laughing because I could not find any cutter in our house.. I was laughing because I found out that there was no cutter in our house, I mean we are students and we have tools but we don't have a cutter hahaha...

Thirty minutes has passed by but still no cutter... When I got back to my bed I saw a yellow push pin in my tool box... Due to my aroused thought of what would it feel to hurt myself I grab the push pin and stabbed it in my left wrist... To my surprise it didn't even penetrated my skin.. Once, then twice and thrice.. No effect... Then I got the idea of just scratching it to my wrist... So I pushed the pin in my wrist then I let it ripped... Then again and again... Sadly I didn't had much effect on my skin... So I stopped...

Insulted,because I still didn't feel the physical pain, I sat on my bed grabbed a cigar and puffed it... When I was about to put the cigar off.. I had the idea to put the cigar's off to my wrist... And so I did... Three cigarette burns on my left wrist.... Finally the physical pain.... Pain is good.... Call me an addict or whatever but sensation felt really good... The adrenaline rush of the pain and the sensation is overwhelming that I did it three times... The cigar's lights were off a sudden silence and satisfaction filled the room... I was happy... ^_^

After that incident I've learned many realization about myself and life itself.. And I promised not to do that again...

" A thing will be important when you know that it doesn't last forever "

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3:26 am 12th day of August year 2009

Who Am I?

Who Am I

Who is Noel Adonis Montesa? Recently this is the question that is always in my mind... And now I'm going to try to answer this.... 2:22am 12th day of August year 2009.....

The cursor blinks relentlessly before I can type a word... Who am I really? Mr. Loner.. The Sweet guy.. The Smart... The Happy Guy... The Emotional One.. Mr.Friendly.... The Snobbish Guy... The Adviser... The Serious One... The Insensitive... The insensitive... The Guy who don't give a damn... The Angel... The Devil.... The Demon.... These are the traits or the personality that is encapsulated in my soul.... Some might say that I have a MPD (Multi Personality Disorder) but I think I don't... I'am the guy who knows when and where to use these personalities of mine in the right place and in the right time... But even though I know all of these traits of mine It still seems to me that even I do not know thyself... Is it because I don't really know who am I? Something is still missing.... But for now I know that I'am still searching and learning about myself through experience, physically and emotionally and for sure I still cannot answer who am I right now.. But im hoping someday and somehow I will know my self much better.... For now this is the best quote that will describe me...

" I'am an open book.. Love me or hate me... (I don't give a damn) this is the real me.. And no one can tell me what to do.. Because this... This is my story"...

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2:47am 12th day of August year 2009